I'm All Right Now

Pomplamoose's new song. Love it.

I feel better today. I cried all yesterday, joined in bushels of tears by my two teenage daughters and Lauren last night. Today, I feel good again. I've just decided that those little waves of sadness are going to come and I need to experience it, cry it out, and then move on.

Today, I'm thinking about warm weather, sand and water.

Which brings me to a segment that I like to call

KEEPING IT REAL

My life isn't as glamorous as it most assuredly seems :) Sometimes blogs are so rosy, cheery, glamorous that you wonder who these people are that live these lives?!!

So here it is.

1-Kate pooped up the back to her neck. She was in her bumbo chair at the time and I didn't know. When I picked her up, turned her around

and hugged her to my chest so she was facing outward, I felt suddenly warm. Really warm. Yup. All over her and my shirt.

2-In the middle of the night, I thought someone had lit a bonfire of burning tires in our front room. It smelled SO AWFUL. It made me way nauseous. At 4 a.m., we figured out that the blower on the heater had blown up.

I just found out that since it's after hours, a weekend, and a super expensive part, I will be paying $800 in order not to freeze tonight. Good thing we now have a JOB! Maybe that's why I'm better today. That heater breakage a few weeks ago? Not fun.

Life is good again. We are excited about our new adventure and know it will be incredible in the end. I'm only so sad, because I love a lot of people. Loving people feels really good. The only way not to feel sad would be not to be close to anyone in the first place. So, there it is. I would do it again.

OUCH

Today is an overwhelming sad day for me. And it's only 7:26 a.m. It is the last day that Brett is here for starters. He flies out in the morning for his new job. It will be very busy for him from now on. No more morning walks with Rudy and Kate, no more letting me go places while he works from home and plays with Kate. We had morning scripture study and Brett said, "I want you guys to be good to your mom, this is going to be tough for her....I'd like to have a special prayer before school...Thank you for being positive....You guys are going to have to get up and do this without me..."

UGH.

Last night, I got to play with my band. I was ok while I was there. The music sounded great. We all picked a few songs we really wanted to learn, or perfect before I go. Why? I don't know. It's probably doubtful we'll play anywhere before then, though we're going to try. As I said, it was so enjoyable. As I walked out the door, a wave of sadness swept over me. I had to stop at the grocery store (about 10:45p.m.) before going home, and as I walked the aisles, I was dragging my feet, looking through tear filled eyes at the frozen orange juice, the special K bars, the baby wipes...

My friend Emilee yesterday said, "your girls are going to be fine. You won't though. You are kind of passive and will have a hard time making friends I bet. You won't just call and invite yourself to something. Women will have their own friendships and I bet it's hard for you to feel a part of that for a long time."

UGH.

Maddie's cute friends were over yesterday. One of my favorites, Jeffrey, kept saying, "please don't move. I have been so sad thinking about this." He looked so sad and said he had to ask me for himself, because he didn't believe her.

UGH.

Misty came over yesterday. No more seeing her whenever I want, borrowing food, exchanging kids' clothes. No more sending my kids over to play Beatles Rock Band. No more hugs from Elle or Sydney sleepovers with Haley and Paige and Christian. She has been part of that family, especially when I was sick with Kate. Sydney loves their home.

OK. I have to stop this, because I'm crying right now. And it's only 7:36a.m.

Have a good one.

Cool Trap To Try On Your Guy

Before I tell the fun trap, I am reporting that I'm feeling well tonight. I had a happier day cleaning out rooms and making fix-it lists. Our super talented builder friend, Trent, came over to give advice and offer his fix-it services. I will miss Trent and Micah.

RANDOM DETOUR:

2 things I'm ashamed of...

I have spelled the words signature and avocado wrong since I was a wee one. I realized last year that I had been spelling signature signiature. I don't know why! "Are you sure?" I said out loud. I couldn't believe it.

I spelled avocado avacado and only realized my mistake a few weeks ago on my own stinkin blog. It was my title even. Dang. I hate when I do that.

On the bright side, I never spell definitely incorrectly. Never put that a in there. I never accidentally write quiet when I mean to write quite. Lots of people do that. I also never write suppose when I should write supposed. Lots do that as well.

So- I overcame the urge to make choc. chip cookies tonight. It always hits around 8p.m. Tonight I resisted and got on my hands and knees and polished my kitchen floor instead while listening to the ultra lovely singer, Adele. How nice would it be to look in the mirror in the morning, maybe before you put the toothbrush in your mouth and just sing a little wake up ditty IN THAT VOICE? In the end, wiping floors listening to her felt better than eating cookies.

So here is the fun trap to try.

Erin to Brett: "blah blah blah I'm losing weight, but blah blah blah my stomach still seems chubby. Pause. You know? Is it chubby?" (you have to be kind of droning on and sandwich this sentence in between lots of tune-wife-out kind of stuff)

Brett absentmindedly as he types on computer: "Uh huh. Yeah."

pause pause

Brett looking up with big eyes: "I mean no. Uh, do you think so?"

"BUSTED!" I yelled. "You so agreed with me!"

We had a good laugh over that one. Guys love traps like that.

-Madison Blake's pencil drawing, evening of Jan. 25, 10.

MY PLAN

You know how sometimes, you know something is happening that will really change everything?

Finding out I was expecting a baby last year was one of those times. I knew instantly that everything was going to change, and I was scared. It took a lot of faith to make that decision. If I had known then what I know now, I would have have put one hand on my shoulder, the other on my cheek, told myself to look into my eyes, and then assure myself that it was going to be wonderful. "Good job! You acted in faith," I would have said. "You will love your new little baby more than life. Just wait."

Meeting Laura Belnap was another one of those times. Before knowing her, I knew a lot of people in the ward, but didn't really KNOW anyone. I have always been good at that. In high school, I knew everyone, but had no really close friends. I am a socializer and a loner at the same time. I would have been like that in this ward as well, except there was this person, Laura, who kept inviting me to stuff. She kept asking me to scrapbook, to come over for dinner, to go out to dinner, to play the piano for her kids, to carpool to soccer, etc. Pretty soon, I started meeting people. Lots of people. I met all of my close friends today through Laura arranging stuff to do. My friends here have changed me. I know how to be a close friend now and I don't ever want to be a loner again.

Marrying Brett was one of those decisions. He was different than me. He was different from guys I would typically date. He also always did what was right and what was hard and what was exciting--totally took me out of my comfort zone. He also always calmly showed me the big picture and reassured me that it will be ok. That has shaped my life.

Yesterday, we decided to accept a job offer in California. We told the kids over a nice dinner. Whenever we have made a big decision in life, we have gone to the temple. I have grown in my confidence that the Lord will give me the answer I seek. I knew that by the time we had thought the decision out in our minds, prayed many times, fasted, and finally, gone to the temple, I would KNOW what we were supposed to do.

When we were first married, I relied on Brett to do this. He had been on a mission. He had more experience in understanding the promptings of the Spirit. I am now grateful that I have learned that the Lord will tell me anything I need to know. Otherwise, I would be just like I am when picking out paint color. Indecisive! What about this? Or maybe I should do this. Oh, I'll just wait. I don't know! Hmmm.

I knew as I left the temple on Saturday what we were supposed to do. I had specific thoughts come to my mind about why we have been able to stay in Bountiful for the last 10 years and why we are supposed to start a new life in California now. Instead of being dragged away prematurely, we have been blessed to stay here longer than we should have been able to given the tough job market. There is a reason we are moving. I'm not sure it has to do with the job even, though it may. It may have to do with our kids. Maybe Kate is supposed to be a surfer and she just can't do it without those So. Cal. breaking waves.

I am amazed at the emotions I am experiencing. Every other time we have moved, it hasn't been sad. We moved from BYU to Idaho for job #1. Not sad, because everyone graduates and moves. We moved from Idaho to Boston for grad school. Exciting, because we were getting out of cold Idaho where the wind blows the snow sideways into your face, and going to grad school! Great moving from Boston to Texas. Grad school was over and again, everyone was moving. Exciting moving from Texas to Utah, because we were coming home again. Kids would get to be with cousins, grandparents, etc. Ecstatic to move to Australia, because it was short. We knew we were coming back. Big vacation in my eyes.

BUT THIS.

THIS IS SO DIFFERENT.

I sat in the choir seats today at church. As we stood to sing, I knew I was in trouble. I was standing by one of my best friends, Kimi for starters who I hadn't seen yet. I couldn't look at her. We started to sing and I looked out in the congregation and faces jumped out at me. One after another of people I really loved. A lot. I could have gone through the entire congregation and each one of them has either taught my kids, been a scout leader, a young women leader, served with me in callings, been at my home eating dinner, been a visiting teacher, or cared for me when I was sick. Memories with everyone. I saw the teens and kids. I realized that I really love teens and kids, especially the ones in those seats. I started crying. I could barely hold it together. I didn't know what to do. I inched the folder up so it was pretty much covering my face and I stopped looking at anyone.

There are moments like that every day. I'll hear a song, or think of a person and the finality of this move just hits me. I am so so so grateful that I had that experience of an answer to my prayers, so I know this is the right thing. Just like with Kate, I can tell myself to look up. It's going to be ok.

Please please come visit me. I'll make you warm soup and have hot chocolate ready if you get in late from the drive or the flight. I'll put on some music and we'll chat until late in the night. We'll be too excited to sleep. The next day, we'll go for a walk in the sun, because it will be sunny there, and you could perhaps swim in our pool or we could go to the beach. I'll watch your kids when they're tired and you can go to Balboa Island or to see the Ellen show.

I'll pack a little lunch for you if you don't want to eat out while you're out and about. I'll put a chocolate on your pillow and change the bedding so it's ready for you, because you'll be pretty tuckered out after a long day at Disneyland. I'll make sure Kate gives you a smile, hug and kiss every night before she turns in. Finally, I'll send you on your way with some oranges that grow on our trees and a hug from each one of us. You won't be able to stay away.

THAT'S MY PLAN.

CUTE GIRLS on a THURSDAY AFTERNOON

A Present, sent from my dad to me yesterday...I like it

If I had a yellow dog, I’d live in the country,
I’d have an Appaloosa I’d ride on Sundays.
I’d call the dog Buttercup, the horse Champ.

I’d plant honeysuckle and lilac on the right bank
where graze the cotton ball sheep bleating low
by the pond with the two ducks who’d mate
for life, Bessie and Gussy, round and round

lapping their blue-sky circumference, content.
I’d carry my basket to market on Saturday,
fennel and sorrel and honey from the comb

then back home to my stone and ivy bungalow.
Fire-side, spine-to-spine, Herbert and Yeats,
letters I’d pen with quill and gooseberry ink
I made myself in rinsed out bottles shining

like quartz by the window desk by morning
light. Summer I’d simmer my jams of berry
I grew, winter I’d wait for the ice and wind

to subdue, by autumn the oranges and umbers
I’d succumb to their crisp and crackling crunch
underfoot, but Spring’s green glad I’d like best.
Before May Day, all the budding most bright,

and I’d never be lonely, never pick any fights. Never
wish I was anywhere other than where I was home.
If only I had a yellow dog, I’d live in the country alone.

Melanie Faith

I Kind Of Like This Guy

I'm thankful for his positive, can-do attitude

Always looking for the lesson the Lord is trying to teach

Always an example to me

SNAPSHOT AT 10:54pm

Husband-Asleep dreaming of lighthouse beaches. At peace.

Son-On a date with cute girl sharing a raspberry shake.

Daughter-Watching Mean Girls with nice girls downstairs.

Daughter-Watching movie in polka-dot pj pants Lauren gave her as hand-me-downs.

Daughter-Asleep dreaming of her birthday party in the morning.

Baby-Asleep dreaming of milk and squash and the feel of mom's hair between her fingers.

Wife-Cleaning for party, finishing her book, blogging to clear her mind. No music on tonight. Will dream of friends' faces, familiar places. Perhaps a tossy-turny night.

Flashback

My brother found this and scanned it at work. It is at my mom's graduation from nursing school. I think she looks pretty darn good. Love Misty's glasses. I am a full 2 years older than Misty keep in mind. Love my bangs. Quinn looks pretty GQ. His kids look so much like him. Kelly's obviously our golden child-the little imp.

JAN. 15th- a day to remember.

SYDNEY TURNED 9 TODAY

SYDNEY is still my baby girl.

She made us go to Chuck-a-Rama tonight for her b-day dinner (a family first), because she had been there with Misty once. That is the grossest, sickest, yuckiest place ever. Brett and I looked at each other silently communicating, "Are you kidding me? Do we have to?"

SYDNEY is an adventurous soul.

She loves to go with Brett anywhere. He makes her feel like he really needs her help with this or that. She is his buddy, more than anyone else.

As we have contemplated moving, she is the one who has been full-throttle forward.

SYDNEY is beautiful.

I love the sprinkling of freckles across her nose and also her big brown eyes.

I love that she doesn't care too much about how she looks though still. She will soon enough.

SYDNEY serves her parents, especially me.

She is sensitive to my moods. If I am tired or stressed, she starts silently cleaning or sets up surprises in my room, like foot massages or back scratches.

One time, she taped all of her coins onto a card and gave it to me so that I could treat myself to something. It was so dang sweet.

SYDNEY is the biggest Kate fan.

People kept warning me that Syd would probably feel jealous. I kept waiting. It has never happened. She is so sweet, responsible and loving with her.

I LOVE SYDNEY.

THE ANSWERS

All Right Everyone- I will break the suspense and answer all of my grammar questions. Even my grammar friend Kimi was a bit stumped, so I'll help you all out. This will hopefully help you sleep better at night.

TOME: A large book, especially one in a multi-volume scholarly work.

So, the key is that it is usually one of many in a series and it is a large book about a deep subject. I will try to use this word a few times to cement the definition. Or maybe I'll just pull one of my many well-read tomes out of my personal library and peruse through its pages.

That vs. Which

You should use "that" when introducing an essential clause.

You should use "which" when introducing a non-essential clause.

Easy! Examples:

THAT: I do not trust products that claim "all natural ingredients" because this phrase can mean almost anything.

(We would not know which products were being talked about without the that clause.)

WHICH: The product claiming "all natural ingredients", which appeared in the Sunday newspaper, was on sale.

(The product was already identified, so the which clause is not essential.)

Many times, which clauses can be separated with commas, because they are nonessential.

You can also use "which" if you have already used that, these, or this at the beginning of the sentence.

That is a decision which you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

That makes sense. We don't want two "thats" in a sentence do we? How awful would that be really?

Finally, it is I WISH I WERE. However, the grammar purists also concede that when so many people begin using I wish I was, the language starts to evolve and so now, both could probably be used. I, however, am such a purist that I want to know how the English do it. That's how I do it. I'm just pure like that :)

So friends, grammar nazi is going away for a while before I lose all of my close friend readers. Until next time... or as Jacob Foster would spell incorrectly.....ADIEU.

I know what the answer is! I know what the answer is! The rules regarding when to use "that" and "which" are so simple and I never would have guessed it. I feel my brain expanding as we speak. It feels goooood. I want to go back to school. I wish I were a teacher.

Oh! Another one. Is it "I wish I were.... or I wish I was....?" I didn't learn this rule completely until I was in a Spanish class in college. Surprisingly, I learned many grammar rules for the first time as I learned Spanish.

This reminds me. I WANT TO GO TO FRANCE RIGHT NOW. Seriously, I want to be in France speaking French. (Talking about learning Spanish reminded me that I had more fun learning French, which reminded me that I love France and want to go there RIGHT NOW.)

In Paris, I want to be given overpriced food from rude waiters who look down on me for being American. I want to kiss on the Seine river like everyone does. Seriously, I have never seen so much kissing. I need to stop in some museums and maybe Notre Dame. I then want to drive to a little village and rent a cottage for 1 week where I just eat cheese and cook and practice my language on the locals. No running around trying to see everything--just be french for the week.

Well, ahum. I have to go take carpool and eat some cold cereal. I'm back. e

Stuff I would like to know..

There is a word which I saw twice today. In fact, the last two books I have read have used this word several times. I have seen it before and just skipped over it, because I didn't know what it meant. I think it has something to do with ancient books? It bothered me that such a short word was unfamiliar to me. Who else does not know what the word is?

The word...... TOME.

This leads me to a segment that I like to call....

GRAMMAR NAZI!!!!

How do you know when to use the word "which" and when to use "that"? Look at the first sentence of this post. Should I have said "that" instead?

"There is a word which.... or There is a word that..."

I purposely used the word which, because I felt it was incorrect and it felt weird to use it. I want to see who agrees with me. I have a hunch what the correct answer is, but I won't look it up yet.

I'm going to give you something to do, if you'd like. Comment the answer "that" or "which" you believe is correct and you can support it with factual back up if you'd like. It will be a fun exchange. Hey! Yes it will. e

p.s. oh, and get back to me what TOME means. I purposely won't look that up either. Why does this make me so happy?

Jan. 6 -day at the office

Sydney and Kate are home sick today (home sick, not homesick). Well, Kate's home every day, but..

I hate that babies can't tell you what is wrong with them!

I hear her crying so sadly in her crib when I put her down. It is raspy and still such a sweet cry. I can't stand it. She breaks my heart when she cries. I have pretty much handed her my heart and said, "Here. Do what you will with this." I saw a picture of her when she was 3 weeks old. I was at my mom's house while my family was in Lake Powell. I am holding her and she looks like a little bird with a skinny arm and little puffy eyes. It broke my heart as well, because I will never have a newborn again. She's already a huge almost 6-month

old. Stop this train!

Sydney, luckily, can tell me that her throat really hurts and is coughing. She is handling it all right. Oh well, I will have to get on slippers and go finish Julie and Julia while I sort my pictures into piles and eat clementines. I have decided after looking at these pictures I am sorting, that if you ask older parents, they will probably tell you that the happiest time in their family's life was when their kids were 10 and under? Maybe 12 and under? You are seeing things for the first time, going places for the first time. No one is old enough to stay home. No one would even WANT to stay home. They all want to be with you all of the time. The things they like and want are CHEAP. You have total control.

Having said that, I'm really really enjoying this stage as well. I think there is just more mental thought that goes into this stage. You realize your kids are almost gone and have they learned everything? Are they prepared? You're dealing with hormones and their choices have bigger consequences. (For instance, if you lie down on a car roof with a big belt buckle and then move around, it will scratch the paint, dent the hood and you will have to pay money to fix it, even if the owner is your friend....or....if you look down when you are driving, even for a second, you could crash into the curb really hard, pop two tires, and have to replace all four....or....if you don't have a teacher sign a homework packet that is due, even if you have a really cute smile, they don't care and you won't get credit.) These crazy teenagers. Love them!

"Avocado" and Lala--home from Mexico

I Just Found This Picture from my freshman Year at college

Erin 18, Misty 16, Kelly 14 at Heritage Halls, BYU. Scary permed hair.

Troubling Feedback from Mom

So, my mom has commented to me that she doesn't get Billy Collins and his poetry, especially the poem I last posted called "The Introduction." For all of those who feel the same, I won't try to explain why I thought it was so clever. Why, when I picked it out of all of those I could have picked, I chose one that showed his humor. Why on earth would his reader need to know all of the osbcure facts he lists (the Russian "five", Annie Oakley's real name) if we are just to read a poem on picking wild strawberries?

I promised my mom that I would print one of my favorites called "The Lanyard," which is far more normal. This poem is about the debt we owe to our moms --one we can never repay. I feel this way too mom. Nothing I could give you can thank you for raising me under very tough circumstances with almost no outside support. When I think of how much I rely on a husband, close friends, and especially my family, I am amazed that you were able to keep your sanity all of those years by yourself with four little kids. You were pretty isolated here in Utah. You joined the church (for which I am so grateful) and that, sadly, put a huge barrier between your family and you. You lost help from dad's parents really, when you lost him. Somehow, you did it. When I think back on the childhood I probably COULD have had, especially one without the church, I am eternally grateful for you.

To all moms:


"The Lanyard"



The other day as I was ricocheting slowly

off the pale blue walls of this room,

bouncing from typewriter to piano,

from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,

I found myself in the L section of the dictionary

where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.



No cookie nibbled by a French novelist

could send one more suddenly into the past --

a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp

by a deep Adirondack lake

learning how to braid thin plastic strips

into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.



I had never seen anyone use a lanyard

or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,

but that did not keep me from crossing

strand over strand again and again

until I had made a boxy

red and white lanyard for my mother.



She gave me life and milk from her breasts,

and I gave her a lanyard.

She nursed me in many a sickroom,

lifted teaspoons of medicine to my lips,

set cold face-cloths on my forehead,

and then led me out into the airy light



and taught me to walk and swim,

and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.

Here are thousands of meals, she said,

and here is clothing and a good education.

And here is your lanyard, I replied,

which I made with a little help from a counselor.



Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,

strong legs, bones and teeth,

and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,

and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.

And here, I wish to say to her now,

is a smaller gift--not the archaic truth



that you can never repay your mother,

but the rueful admission that when she took

the two-tone lanyard from my hands,

I was as sure as a boy could be

that this useless, worthless thing I wove

out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

My Bad

New Year's Eve.

It was New Years Eve. We took the big family picture in the morning. Got some great shots. I wish I had them to post, but not yet. We made and ate food, guys went golfing, girls to a movie. It was 10 p.m. and everyone was gathering from our two houses to the one, the one I was in. All kids under 4 were asleep in their rooms and those in the main area were ready for games, etc. to begin.

I had just returned from the movies (at a theater straight out of the 1950s. Staff in suits, an 80-year-old money taker/ticket giver. My ticket looked like the kind you get at carnivals to spend at the fishing pond. The theater was full of smoke due to burnt popcorn? Oh, and there was a grand piano in the lobby.)

So, 10 p.m... I had just returned and went in my cozy master bedroom to feed my baby. Ahhh. Love getting to quietly relax for about 1/2 hour and just hold my baby. I settled down and saw the fireplace which I had yet to use. Ha, I thought, I'm just going to turn that puppy on. The switch wouldn't work. I gave up and walked over to the chair to feed Kate. Right by the door I notice a keypad all lit up. Oh! Maybe each of those numbers turns on something in my room. Seriously, there were so many dang lights in that place and shower nozzles and on and on that I could never figure it out. So, I look at the keypad and by number 7 is a picture of a fire flame. Oh! THIS is where I turn it on. Weird. It says I have to push the number 7 and some other button at the same time. I do it and look over at the fireplace and nothing happens. I try it ONE MORE TIME.

The following clip pretty much shows what happened.

It was SO LOUD--right where the little ones had just fallen asleep. Everyone was running around freaking out. I took a big breath, walked out to the living room and just said, " My bad! It was me! No worries- no fire! It was me. Sorry! Sooo sorry!" Then I had to explain that I thought that the picture of a fire meant the fireplace and not a fire alarm. We had no code to punch in and stop the chaos. We had to call the owner who had never lived in the home and had no idea what the code was either. The fire department would have to come over. Young moms looked at me as if to say, "If you mess up the rest of my New Years Eve...." All of Brett's brothers were madly punching in random numbers and looking at me in between with, "Really? You can't tell that's an alarm system?"

After about 10 minutes, I think Dave finally punched in 4545. Voila. It was over. Miraculously, 95% of children who were asleep stayed asleep. I couldn't believe it. The brothers, however, will never let me live that down. I got teased mercilessly the rest of the night, especially by his sassiest youngest brother. You know who you are. They tease me anyway about lots of things and now this. Great. It's not over.

I'm sitting on the floor in the back corner of the kitchen where I decided I would be in time out. Kate came with me, because she supports me like that.