I'm reading a book right now which is really, really good. It is not something I would normally pick out or buy. However, reading this book has been a gift to me.

I have been reading the comments from people on my past posts, and for some reason, I am leading people to believe we are living this charmed life in the sun. Blakes are just moving on, doing all of these great things. Sunshine and daffodils.

I guess I am a bit caught off guard by these comments. Honestly, I really feel like we are grieving. I didn't fully realize it until I read a paragraph in this book, My Grandfather's Blessings.

"Grieving is not about forgetting. Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of the things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again."

That paragraph hit me. That is what I am desperately trying to do. Build again. I feel like I bear the responsibility of 5 kids and their grieving process on my shoulders as well. I am not to the point where I "remember with love rather than pain." I wish I were at that point. My kids definitely aren't. They don't think I understand either. They don't realize that I am going through the exact same feelings, desperation sometimes, but don't share it.

So, in this post, I won't talk about the hike to the Hollywood sign, which they loved. I am going to do a segment called:

Keepin' it Real People

1-As we were beginning the 1-hour drive to pick up Berkley in the 93 degree heat, my air conditioner went out in the suburban. By the time we picked her up, we were WAY grumpy and sweating buckets.

2-Due to the flight being late and the traffic windows you must observe here or be sorry, we found a pretty scary beach which we got to stay at for approximately 30 minutes before the 1 hour drive home. With no air conditioning. I'm sure Berkley was thinking-why did I come here and how far away do the Blakes live from the Long Beach airport anyway?

3-How am I going to fix the air conditioning if I take in the suburban tomorrow? I am going to have to rent a stinkin cargo van or a school bus to fit 9 people. Seriously, this should be good.

4-I dropped off my daughter to mutual tonight bawling and begging me not to make her go. Since the party she went to 2 weeks ago, she has done nothing with anyone here her age. She has just played with Maddie and Spencer. So, all of a sudden, she has to go to young women's and I can't even explain the scene in front of her leader's home where I pretty much kicked her out of the car saying, "You CAN do this. I am making you go, because I love you.! Now get out!" You can imagine what she said back to me. She is in a really sad place right now. I don't think this trip to Utah will help. She will be worse leaving than the 1st time.

5-I am lucky if I see Brett before 8 p.m. at night. A good morning is him leaving at 7:30. Bad, before I even wake up. I don't think I will ever get used to this.

6-Our pool must be 50 degrees. I got in yesterday for the first time. It took all of my willpower and courage and about 15 minutes before I could plunge in. I think because our lot is so shaded and because we haven't had hot weather (until today), ours will be a little chilly. So if you come anytime to visit other than summer, we probably won't be swimming in the pool.

7-Having Spencer leave to college will be harder on the girls than even on me. I had never thought about it, but his positive attitude this summer is helping every day not be like today for his sisters. He makes such a difference in their lives. Speaking of college, he signs up for his classes at exactly 11p.m. tonight. It is SO confusing. Way worse than when I signed up for classes there, and that was confusing then. Now, he can't sign up until upper classmen do and then he gets a date (July 13) that he can begin the process. He has heard through friends that all of the PE classes are full, or all of the good religion teachers are gone already. He doesn't know what to sign up for and really, neither do I.

8-Do you really want me to go on?

I could focus on these negatives all day long if I let myself. I guess we all can if we choose to look at everything negative in our lives. This book helped me see again that I am building a new "house" if you will, with my little family. I wish it could go faster, but you know how sometimes the electrician is slow or perhaps you ordered the wrong carpet and the granite countertops are on back order? Maybe the "creamy white" for the moldings is more like "so gray we ain't kiddin." Building a new life is kind of like that I suppose. It's going to take some time. In the meantime, most of my posts and most of my thoughts will be of the things that can make us happy here. New places to see. New people to meet. Warm weather year round. A good job that Brett likes. Having great schools and a great new ward. Getting to go to great museums, concerts and restaurants. Becoming BFFs with lots of celebrities, both national and international. I crack myself up sometimes.

So when I post about all of our adventures, be happy for us, but know that we are grieving and building and we love you. e

JULY 12

Today should be a good day. It is the day before Spencer's brother and bff Stephen Foster comes for a week. (Still waiting on Ben) It is also the day before one of Maddie's bffs comes for the same week. I am so excited! I can't wait to gear our week around playing with them.

Maddie and Spencer are hiking to the Hollywood sign with a friend today. I wish I could go.

We are all starting the 5-Day Inferno Plan with a workout and diet every day through Turbo Fire. We decided we want to look like the people in the "after" pictures.

I just officially finished the little girls' room. I just put little stars all over their ceiling so that when dark hits tonight and Kate wakes up.....voila! A starry sky of wonders for her to look at. I want to move my bed in there. (btw, Kate is now sleeping through the night again. yeah! It took two nights of crying and super Brett, and we're good again. Just in time to go to Utah and port-a-crib it. Great.

Today is the day after I got to enjoy Tara Bingham, husband Colton and Chase Bingham here for dinner. Honestly, it made me so happy to have those faces from home at my dinner table. I made Si's Challah braided bread which is always so good and Laurie Cutler's chicken white chili which is kind of getting to be our Sunday dinner more often than not. Easy and good. Finally, we had a peach pecan salad and watermelon. We laughed as we talked about our new home, California. We were talking about which freeways are faster. It sounded something ( I emphasize something for those of you who actually know these freeways) like this:

I just take the 101 to the 134 to the 2.

Yeah, the 134 to the 405 is a bottleneck

Yeah I avoid that.

Did you know you can get off on blah blah and then side street it to blah blah and save 10 minutes?

So, what if you did the 210 to the 2 to the 5 to the 110?

The 110?! I never do that. Way too congested.

Actually, the 10 is more congested than the 110, especially at LaBrea.

Hm. True. It's because of Century City people getting off.

Yeah.

Oh and here was the funniest part of the conversation.

Chase: If you like ice cream, we need to take you to the best ice cream place ever.

Brett: Where is it?

Chase: Right in L.A.

Tara: Yeah, it is SO good.

Colton: I got a nutmeg almond and it was the best ice cream I've ever had.

Brett: We went to the scariest place with my sister Darcy. It was in this scary part of town and when we got there, there was only one flavor left. The whole place was ravaged but one little flavor. It was on this street with tattoo shops, biker shops. We thought we were going to get mugged. It's called SCOOPS.

Chase: Yeah, that's it! That's a block away from my house.

Brett: Well, it wasn't THAT scary. Maybe it was just late at night, uh uh..

Chase knows everything about everything no one else has a clue about. Really. I can't even begin to write what he is up to. Let's just say it involves Fried Chicken and trucks and Twitter and DJing and celebrities. Colton's about to graduate from the Art Center in Pasadena which is about ten minutes from our house. Every Saturday they have classes for high schoolers called Saturday High. We are getting Maddie involved in that. How cool will that be for her? Finally, Tara is two months away from having their first baby, Heidi's first grandchild. I'm so glad we are by them.

I love hearing things from home and I hate hearing things from home. I can't explain it really. Sometimes when I am doing well, which is most of the time, I just think-oh that sounds fun! I miss everyone. Sometimes, though, usually at night, I hear of something I missed and it makes me really really sad. I just want to go to bed after that.

Well, Ali just called me on my cell phone from her cell phone out in the guest house, or the girls' apartment, or the casita, or the teenage hang out pad, and wants me to go hang pictures in her room. I'm tackling that house today.

Brett got his car last weekend. I am so jealous, mostly because the surround sound in that car ROCKS. It's not fair. He bought a James Taylor in concert DVD which is recorded in surround sound and there are speakers by your ears and when the car is in park, it plays the DVD so we can watch James play. When the car is driving, you just hear this amazing sound all around you. It's making me very excited for his concert next week in Anaheim.

Oh, today will be good as well, because Crowded House's new CD comes out. I'm going to go to Penny Lane records in Pasadena to buy it. Finally, I am swimming in our pool today. I haven't even been in it yet. Today I am baby! Crowded House, Hollywood Sign, swim, finish girls' house. That's pretty much it. Have a good one, e.

We were all way scared going in.
The Curious Case of Brett Button. He is seriously anti-aging.

Well, we all passed. We were only there from 12:30 until 4p.m. It was "that fast" apparently, because we had made an appointment. wow.

Now I'm not competitive in nature at all, so I really don't want to share this next part, BUT some of my readers might like to know that I missed 3, Brett missed 4 and Maddie missed 5. Tons of people failed. It seemed like everyone around us failed.

Questions I missed:

When is it legal to smoke in your vehicle with someone under 18 years of age?

1-When they are your child

2-Never

3-I can't remember.

Anyway, I put 1. The answer was 2.

I totally guessed on the alcohol level that is legal. Choices were

1-.08%

2-.05%

3-.10%

I can't I believe I got it right. .08% I really think I had some heavenly help with that one, so I could beat, I mean score, 1 better than Brett. How am I supposed to know?

Also, I didn't know that dogs canNOT ride in the back of trucks unless they are secured, which I guess means in a kennel. Wow. I'm certainly not in Montana where even babies can ride unsecured in the back of pick up trucks. Finally, everyone here in all car seat positions must wear a seatbelt at all times and the only time you can talk on a cell phone without getting a major ticket is if it a 911 emergency or if you have a hands free device. No one breaks this rule.

Anyway, that was LONG. Oh and here was an actual conversation which took place just before the written test.

Erin: Brett, I'm scared about this. I only had time to read half the manual.

Brett: Just think logically.

pause pause

Brett: Oh, well that might not work for you.

Erin: laugh laugh because he is totally right. I wouldn't describe me as 'logical.'

Brett: Maddie will do fine though.

Erin: Thanks a lot.

Wait, did I mention that I missed 3, Brett missed 4 and Maddie missed 5? I can't remember if I told you that.

Random Musing: I hate to admit this, but why do I have such a soft spot for WHAM and George Michael?

Oh Hey, What's Up?

Oh hey. Sorry I can't talk to you right now. I am taking a drivers test today along with Brett and Maddie to get our California licenses. What? Yeah, you DID hear me right. We all have to take the written test again. Everyone tells us it's a beast. We get fined every day we drive without a Ca. license. I think Maddie has to take the driving test too, because she's under 18. Horror story after horror story have been so graciously shared with us about the Ca. DMV. So, I have to get back to studying, which is so enjoyable for me this morning. Kate is going to love having me study this morning and then gets to wait for me while I stand in line and take the test. She loves stuff like that.

Then I get to look through every box in the garage that is labeled "OFFICE." You see, the kids' immunization records are in one of them and I need them in order to register the girls for school. The fun thing is, since we don't have an office here, those boxes were stacked one of top of the other almost up to the ceiling of the garage mixed with boxes labeled "GARAGE STUFF" and "FOOD STORAGE."

No pressure though. The woman at the district just told me that I had better get Sydney registered ASAP, because she can't guarantee Sydney will go to the neighborhood school due to such high demand of kids trying to transfer into her school. Every day matters I guess. Oh and Maddie and Ali's ability to take the classes they would like is determined by finding that immunization folder as well.

So, hey, I'll catch you later.

Kate is Great

This is Kate. She means everything to me. She means everything to all of us. She has been struggling at night since we moved here and she moved into her new room. She reverted back to waking up 4 times a night. At least. She will be a year old in a week and I am trying to wean her from nursing to a bottle. She is having none of it. NONE of it. She won't drink cold milk, warm milk, milk from a bottle, from a sippy cup. Won't have it. SO, since I have reverted back to having no remembrance of how to do anything baby, I have been asking all young moms around me. How do you wean a baby from nursing who won't drink milk? Especially one who is waking up every hour now expecting to get in my nice warm comfy bed and nurse to peaceful slumber? Tricky question for sure.

Pause: A word about being a mother for all of you young readers. There is nothing better than being a mom. It amazes me each time I have had a baby the sacredness of this gift. It amazes me that I have been able to sustain another human life for a full year through the workings of my own body. The intricacies of the human body in relation to childbirth and the whole milk factory gig it has going on, only point to one thing. There is a Creator of all things who has made a way for the human race to sustain itself and be sustained through families. I am so grateful for this. I am so grateful and a little sad as I wean Kate that I will never have the experience of nursing a baby again. Sacred moments that only a mother can understand.

SO....this leads me to last night. I had been weaning her down to 3 feedings a day instead of 4. And I told Brett that the only way I could see the night waking prob being solved was if he got up with her, but did not let her see me or our bed. She could wake up, but there was nothin' great happening at 2 in the morning. He agreed and I told him I'd be up supporting him awake anyway, just under my covers. Brett's a way good sport even though he knew it could be a long night. We knew from past experience that when she wakes up and we decide to let her cry, she can cry for a LONG time. It is supremely hard not to go in and get her, but have learned that it doesn't matter. She will cry until mom (me), feeds her.

This morning I woke at 4:26. She hadn't woken up. 4:52, wow I can't believe it. 5:20 where is she? From 5:20 on, I laid* awake. This is an experience which* every mother has had happen to her. Exactly like this. From 5:20 until 6:45 when she did finally awake, I went through scenario after scenario of walking in and finding she had died. What would I do? How would we live? Picturing the kids' reactions. Picturing life without her...her funeral. Did she have too many blankets? Could I have prevented it? Realizing that I love her so much that I couldn't enjoy the ONE night she slept through! I willed myself not to go in there, thinking that perhaps I would be less crazy if I waited it out. Finally at 6:43 I heard her little peep. I rushed in there. She was standing with her arms on the top of the side just smiling at me in her polka dot sleeper. There was nothing better than holding her this morning! I did nurse her, but not in my bed. No more in my bed :( I'll let you know how it goes.

Further Kate News: July 5th. The day Kate walked. She is walking. A week or so before b-day #1. Brett said, " I don't remember this at all with our other kids. Did they learn to walk?" That was funny.

*Grammar Nazi: laid is the past tense of both lay and lie.

*Grammar Nazi:I used 'which' instead of 'that', because I had already used 'this' at the beginning of the sentence.

*(Hi. This is Grammar Nazi. You've missed me huh?)

I'm SO Californiated

So it was about 45 minutes ago.

I was in my burb in park with the car running.

I had just dropped off Maddie and Ali's girls' camp forms.

Their leader wasn't home, so I was thanking her husband and little dog instead.

All of a sudden, my car started rocking.

It felt like someone was back at the bumper pushing it up and down.

I thought- am I out of gas? Check, no.

Wow, this car has something wrong with it. I hope it makes it home.

I thank Norm (that's his name), pet Boise (that's the dog's name) and head home.

When I get home, I find out that I was in another California EARTHQUAKE!!!!! AUUGGHGHH!

Seriously, that's two for me and I've only been here a very short while.

I am SO California now.

Like fur shur.

The best going away neighborhood party ever. Thank you Kimi and Bob. It was the perfect weather, perfect house, and my band played. It was the night before the move got pretty serious, stressful and sad. Perfect perfect perfect. I won't forget it.

The Johnston girls.Tom Newman. So glad they moved in.
Whoever booked this band? They were so brilliant. I wish they could have played all night.
The greatest mother daughter team. Good cook, seamstress, gospel scholar, nurturer, and her daughter who I taught and love

"And thus the new health care program will affect the tax code by..."
Love Maddie's no good friends
The Wainsgards with super buff son.
Love my nieces
Like this picture

Our "Japanese" friends, the Fowers.

Best "all around girl," Sarah just LOVING the music I'm sure
My singing partner for 6 ish? years
Is this so Nick Cash? Always looking out for the little ones. Also, is this so Sydney or what?

One of my fav teens Jacob.

Og and Maddie made my night by coming up from Provo just for the party.Love them.
"Should I marry him? Holding hands already."
"ooo or maybe him. An older man.."
Two of the cutest boys in the whole world.

Ms. Heidi Bingham ladies and gentlemen...

Hostess with the mostest, Kimi.Whitney, Gretchen and Melanie. Pretty much glowing.
Inseparable...until Emilee gets married in a few weeks.
I miss these people. A lot. But I have to say, it's a good miss, not a depressing miss. That's good. I can't wait to see them in a few weeks.