Insomnia Strikes Again

Last night, Brett went to bed about 9 p.m. (He must have been super tired, I thought). I went in the kitchen and talked with my teens until 11. I was awake at 2 feeding Kate. At 3:34 I heard the front door open and close. I sat up in bed, my heart thumping. In my mind, it was either Spencer sneaking out (which I quickly knew couldn't be it. Who would wake themselves up to sneak out at 3:30 a.m.?), Spencer sneaking in (which was more likely, but to my knowledge he has never snuck out or in. Besides, why wouldn't he use the door downstairs right next to his room?), or some stranger coming in my house. I quickly decided - this was all in about 5 seconds-- that it was the latter. Nothing else made sense. I spryly jumped out of bed and tiptoed to the corner leading to the hall. After a few seconds, I heard movement. I loudly yelled, and I mean loudly, "Who's there?!" I thought that would scare them and they would turn and run. I turned the corner with no fear. After all, whoever it was, was closing in on my girls' room and no one's gonna hurt my babies.

At the exact moment I turned, I ran into my husband. He was completely flummoxed. "Erin, what are you doing?"

"I thought someone was in our house! What are YOU doing? Why are you opening our front door at 3:30 in the morning!?"

He started chuckling. "You are so weird sometimes. Why didn't you just look over in bed and see I wasn't there? I'm turning off the Christmas lights. The timer didn't turn them off. Remember, you sent me in to give Kate a binkie about 10 minutes ago? Man! Relax!"

I asked myself, why, when I heard the door open, didn't I say, "Brett! Someone's in our house. Go get him!" I hadn't even looked over. I had just hopped out of bed ready to confront someone and save my baby. Weird.

After that, I literally never went back to sleep. The rest of the night. Is this what insomnia is? This has happened a few times now and it is always when something wakes me up that I just sit, stare at the ceiling and my mind goes crazy. This night, I thought about our friends, the Farleys. I thought about Tanner leaving on his mission. I realized that at this time next year, Spencer will know where he is going on HIS mission. This time last year, I was in the depths of morning sickness, sick out of my head. How fast this year has gone! Who am I kidding? This next year will go even faster. His senior year. By this time next year, Kate will already be in nursery in church and she was just born! AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (notice I said she will "already" be in nursery vs. she will be "all ready" to go to nursery? Different meaning, different spelling. I knew the grammar Nazi segment would come in handy.)

Then I thought about sleep aids, and if they would work and reaffirmed that I don't want to even pop a sleeping pill in my little mouth. I have an aversion to relying on pills to do anything. It doesn't really seem to help those I know who use them anyway and then the body becomes dependent. For now, not for me.

(Just a sec. ok. Just turned on some Travis so I can keep typing. Kate's in her high chair next to me, because she's fascinated when I type on the computer. She really likes when I'm quiet and just typing. She's just thinking British thoughts in that li'l British mind of hers, practicing her accent.)

Finally, I thought how depression and I don't work together. Depression doesn't fit my spirit. I was so glad that my two-day funk starting Friday was gone. It pretty much ruins everything else. If you are depressed and don't want to go anywhere, then you don't see anyone. That stinks. Who wants to not see people? I had an epiphany on Sunday morning. I don't care that I don't know what is happening with this job STILL. I don't know if we are moving our family or not STILL. But it's ok. The Lord is in charge. He is refining us. At least that's what it says in 3Nephi 27. He tries his people and he refines them. Why wouldn't I want to be refined? Why wouldn't I want to develop patience and empathy and humility? I've grown so much. I have so much love around me.

That led me back to the Farleys. This weekend, I helped the Belnaps sing with their whole family in church. I practiced with them many times and enjoyed them filling up my front room as I played for them and laughed with them. We got to do How Great Thou Art for Tanner at his farewell. Tanner gave my Kate a shout-out in his talk, which I thought was pretty great. My son and 5 other 18 year-olds sat all in a row next to me and watched Tanner speak and bear his testimony, (their first close friend to go) knowing that they were watching someone pave the way for them. I was so grateful to him. I was grateful that he shared his experience of praying to the Lord asking if he was supposed to serve a mission. He opened the scriptures randomly to a verse that talked about declaring His Word to the people. He said, he knew that God was telling him he should do just that. I went to their home after church, ate, and laughed with friends.

I went to Temple Square and saw the lights with family. We had hot chocolate with Darcy and Chris. I finally went to play for the Welch brothers who I get to play for next week in sacrament as well. Lucky me. I got to hear their tight harmonies for about 1/2 hour. Finally, as I said, talked with my teens and almost single handedly killed my husband for breaking into our house in the middle of the night. I am so blessed. Then, after thinking about all of these things, it was time to get up for scripture study. I was already up :) e