A Thing or Two About Soap Operas

I've learned a thing or two about soap operas this week. There is one hour during the day where, on regular TV, there is nothing on but soap operas. This happens to be between 1 and 2 p.m. Two days ago, I had to feed Kate during this hour and the following is what I learned.

*In order to get some unknowing victim hooked on the show, the writers realize there is just a small window. If a person who is, oh I don't know, feeding their baby at this time happens across their high quality program for the first time, this person must not be confused and, thus, change the channel. Therefore, this person might hear something like this within the first minute or two of watching the soap opera. "Dorian, come back here! Agatha is in the hospital about to die of a brain tumor and you spend time with Claire? How dare you!" "Claire is still the mother of my son Ethan. She has a right to see him, doesn't she?" "Look. If you're not careful, Dominic will find you. I don't believe for a minute that he's really dead...." You get the picture.

Thus, I have concluded the following:

1- There will always be someone named Dorian, Dominic, or Drake in the social circle. Occasionally, a Stefano will replace the first three names, although Stefano might have an evil acquaintance with one of those names.

2- There will always be a police officer/chief in the social circle as well as a doctor/surgeon. The social circle will spend a lot of their time at either the police headquarters/jail or in the hospital. Someone in the social circle is always on the verge of death or about to unjustly go to prison.

3- Someone will always have secretly stolen someone else's baby. This person always will continue to live right under the mother's nose in normal society. There might be a pair of lovers who are really brother and sister separated at birth as well.

4- You can count on someone losing their memory and not knowing who they really are. This usually will involve forgetting a wife/husband and spending a small stint in Jamaica in a sealed room undergoing brainwash therapy.

5- Everyone over 30 will have no wrinkles and very full lips as well as really good hair cuts.

6- Life will always be very stressful for everyone. There will be a lot of crying, hands to the forehead in despair and yelling going on. Doors may also be slammed a lot.

7- Everyone in the social circle will be rich. All women wear high heels and have to take off one of their earrings when talking on the phone.

8- Someone in the social circle is always in grave danger, usually being followed by someone with a gun. This could also involve them potentially getting run off the road or stuck down a big hole for days. If any of these happen, see #2.

9- Everyone in social circle likes/loves/lusts after someone they shouldn't. This creates endless possibilities for #3 and #6 above.

Well, if you need to know anything else about soap operas, I am not your girl. I am currently in the middle of a Dickens- inspired British mini-series. Ahh. That's more like it.