RESTLESS

I have nothing to share with the blogging world. I am restless tonight. I made the statement to the air (Brett)that I needed to get out tonight by myself, believe it or not, away from Kate. I don't know, I just needed free arms and a free mind for a while. I was frustrated, because there was nowhere for me to go. I didn't want to go to a store and spend money. I had no errand I needed to run. I just felt restless. SO, I did what I used to do a lot. I got on my sweats and a t-shirt and started weeding and combing my dirt with the 3-pronged tool. I love that tool. I can't explain it, but there is probably no other tool that I like more than that one. It tears up the dirt and when I'm done combing, the dirt is dark brown and soft again. I was pulling up branch starts, tearing down my old boards I made to try and keep Rudy in the back yard. I just started digging and couldn't stop. Even when I heard Kate crying a bit, I willed her to quiet back down so I could stay out longer. It felt so good. There was no one I had to talk to, but using/moving my body compared to lying in bed or watching tv--breaking a little sweat, by myself.

Then I came in and talked to Lauren on Skype! It was so cool to see her happy face all the way in Mexico. Plus, she got to see Kate and that was so great to see how happy it made her.

After that and two chapters of my book which is getting SO GOOD, I felt better. Now everyone in my house is asleep and I'm still wanting to stay up so I can get even more alone time. I'll regret it about 3-4 a.m. though when I'm the only one awake again...

Random Detour: I just have to say that I love having teenagers. I really love them. I love talking about the girls/guys they like, the girls/guys who are bugging them, the teachers who are so incredible, the teachers who are so bad, the homework they hate, the classes they love. I love the friends who come over. I love that they think they are so much wiser than me and that I am so weird. Do everyone's kids say "mom, you are so weird" all of the time or is it just my kids? I love that they are so funny. I laugh so much with them. Lately, we have slowed down our life a lot. I am not gone every night running them places or doing my own things. I'm home most of the time. They are too. We are home talking and laughing and eating most nights. We eat dinner together more. I must say, I feel that the kids are closer to each other than they have ever been. I have always been close to them, because I was still the one driving them around, but I can see that Brett is also closer to them than he has ever been. Teenage kids are the best. They make life fun and interesting. I could be in this stage of life forever. Especially with both teenage kids and a baby I can hold and smooch all of the time.

Well, the restlessness is almost gone and I might be able to relax enough to go to sleep now. But not until I take a few photo booth pictures. (OK, these are ugly, but I'm posting them anyway. I look like a frog in the first one.) Yawn. Good night world.

The Problem With Twilight

I found this online today and it made me laugh. I have a sister and a friend who are OBSESSED with Twilight. I won't out them here, but their names are M. Mayfield and K. Farley. Below is an excerpt from a blog by Erin Meanley who looked at Twilight from a feminist perspective. It made me laugh out loud, even though I don't know if the writer was taking herself seriously or not. It is much funnier to read if you picture the writer as a funny person.

Some of you told me I wouldn't like Twilight, but I bought the book anyway just to see what all the hoopla was about. Well, I finally finished it, and ... I appreciated the romance-factor, but I couldn't help thinking it was giving girls the wrong idea about love and relationships. I did a feminist reading of Twilight and here's what bugged me:

1. Bella has no outside hobbies.

After she moves to Washington, Bella makes a few friends, but she's not interested in them. Mostly her life is about Edward, Edward, Edward. But what relationship can survive that? Take it from Simone de Beauvoir, who writes about this in The Second Sex: "Two lovers destined solely for each other are already dead: they die of ennui, of the slow agony of a love that feeds on itself." (658)

Outside interests breathe life into a relationship. If you want a healthy one, you better get a life, whether you're a dead vampire or not.

2. The guys are totally unrealistic.

Women are always writing male characters how we'd like guys to be — not how they really are. We're setting up expectations. In Twilight's beach scene, Mike Newton brings Bella "sandwiches and an array of sodas to choose from" (118). Excuse me, but a teenage boy at a beach is either going to be goofing around with the other boys, throwing marshmallows, or spending hours in the water. (I have a teenage son. This is so so true. He is NOT thinking about a girl's parched mouth needing refreshment no matter how much he likes her.)

3. Bella is brainwashed.

Bella tells us repeatedly that Edward the smug vampire is "too perfect," (256) "flawless," (261) and has an "angel's face" (262). I nearly got brainwashed. But it's like, he could kill her at any second, yet she continues to trust and lust. Of course he doesn't kill her, so we're supposed to be grateful and think highly of him. Such manly restraint!

But he is always talking down to her about her safety, like she's a porcelain doll. He tells Bella he can't leave her alone for a second. Even doing laundry, he speculates she might fall into the dryer. Really? There's nothing wrong with being a klutz, but even joking like she can't possibly function ... well, that doesn't do wonders for a girl's confidence. It turns her into a dependent. And as my mom says, no one loves a helpless woman. Obviously, for the story, it's the knight in shining armor thing, I get it, but I don't have to like it.

4.Bella is a domestic diva.

She cooks for her bachelor dad every night. (Okay, I guess cooking is technically a hobby. But she doesn't do it out of joy, really. It's more out of a sense of obligation.) Bella does laundry, too. But I think we only see her do homework once. See, she's too busy feeding a man to stop and feed her mind. There's nothing wrong with cooking for a man, but doing it in tandem with constantly getting saved by a guy and worshipping said guy ... it's just too much. At least Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast loves to read, right?

See Misty and Kimi? Oh wait, I outed you... Can't you see that buying tickets already for a NOVEMBER opening is not healthy for you? I'm concerned about all of the above and the messages you are inadvertently taking into your consciousness. Before you know it, you will be tripping all over yourselves and needing your husbands to protect you. You'll be cooking like crazy and doing tons of laundry. You might even cut out your outside hobbies and just want to focus solely on your guy and his needs. Am I crazy here to worry?

The Visitor

I'm kind of an emotional person. I see something, hear something, experience something and it touches me. I can't stop thinking about it for a while. If it's a song, I listen to it over and over and over. There have been times when I have listened to a song for the first time and I have had to pull over to the side of the road because I can't focus on driving.

As crazy as this seems now, the morning after I saw Titanic, I heard the Celine Dion song (this is the only Celine Dion song I will EVER say this about) from the movie. I had to pull over and think about Rose letting go of Jack's hand as he sank to the bottom of the sea. No! Don't die Jack. You are way too cute to die! I mean, you love her too much to die! Rose choked out the frozen words, "I'll never let go Jack. Never let go." And then she did. I remember sitting in the movie theatre, I think with Misty, although that might have been on viewing #2 or #3. I remember hearing that haunting flute in the beginning of the song and thinking- oh man, that flute was tied throughout that whole movie. That dang James Newton Howard and his talent!! After that, I just kept picturing Rose and Jack, Rose and Jack, Rose and Jack. I saw the mother reading to her kids knowing they would die, the string quartet playing the beautiful hymn knowing they would die. Water rising, rising. Rose and Jack. I wiped a tear, took a breath and then continued on the icy road to get milk or toilet paper or some other needless errand.

AAAAANYWAAAAAAY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> shake it off Erin...

So, I had an emotional experience watching a movie yesterday. As you know from previous posts, I have now rented movies so I don't have to watch even one minute of a soap opera as I feed my baby girl. I saw a movie yesterday that was the sweetest, saddest, most well-made movie. It is called "The Visitor." It was good on so many levels. I loved the music. I loved the fact that this 50ish awkward, reclusive, lonely man loved african drumming and learned how to play. I love it too. I always have. I want bongos. I am going to treat myself to them now that I have seen this movie. I love the way he interacted with the interracial, immigrant couple in his apartment. I loved how beautiful they both were. It was so understated--exactly as I picture it would have been. It made me think. It made me get outside of my bubble of white America and even further, Mormon Utah White Female America. I love movies that do that.

I wish I had more opportunities to be exposed to other cultures and people different than me. I have thought about how I can do this. Any ideas? Just traveling won't give the opportunity to really learn. I'd love to live abroad sometime again. Or, as is on my bucket list, become involved in an international charity somehow. I will. I just need to focus on sleeping through the night and finding time to take a shower every day now. :)

Beatles Rock Band and remastered CDs come out today. I want them both. They are so expensive. I've never wanted Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Don't like the music they use, and hate the animated "people" on screen. Why would I let my kids play those over and over? Yuck. However, how brilliant will this game be? It will be. I will probably have to wait until Christmas, but kids don't read this, I will have that game. That sounds a little creepy. I've definitely had some of those emotional, pull the car over moments with so many of their songs.

Ramble ramble ramble. Kate is finally asleep in my arms and I get to kiss the bridge of the nose twice, each eyelid once and finally the fold of her little neck. I'll peel her little fingers from my pinkie and then lay her down.

Random Grammar Question of the Day: Is it "in behalf of" or "on behalf of"??? I can never figure this one out. My guess is in behalf, but I am willing to be corrected. Correct me. I can take it. I want you to.

Home From the Morning Walk

Random Advice

Word of Advice: When you rent a Dickens BBC Mini-series, make sure you don't rent Disc 3 of 4 first containing episodes 9-12. It is much more confusing when you do this and not nearly as rewarding of an experience.

A Thing or Two About Soap Operas

I've learned a thing or two about soap operas this week. There is one hour during the day where, on regular TV, there is nothing on but soap operas. This happens to be between 1 and 2 p.m. Two days ago, I had to feed Kate during this hour and the following is what I learned.

*In order to get some unknowing victim hooked on the show, the writers realize there is just a small window. If a person who is, oh I don't know, feeding their baby at this time happens across their high quality program for the first time, this person must not be confused and, thus, change the channel. Therefore, this person might hear something like this within the first minute or two of watching the soap opera. "Dorian, come back here! Agatha is in the hospital about to die of a brain tumor and you spend time with Claire? How dare you!" "Claire is still the mother of my son Ethan. She has a right to see him, doesn't she?" "Look. If you're not careful, Dominic will find you. I don't believe for a minute that he's really dead...." You get the picture.

Thus, I have concluded the following:

1- There will always be someone named Dorian, Dominic, or Drake in the social circle. Occasionally, a Stefano will replace the first three names, although Stefano might have an evil acquaintance with one of those names.

2- There will always be a police officer/chief in the social circle as well as a doctor/surgeon. The social circle will spend a lot of their time at either the police headquarters/jail or in the hospital. Someone in the social circle is always on the verge of death or about to unjustly go to prison.

3- Someone will always have secretly stolen someone else's baby. This person always will continue to live right under the mother's nose in normal society. There might be a pair of lovers who are really brother and sister separated at birth as well.

4- You can count on someone losing their memory and not knowing who they really are. This usually will involve forgetting a wife/husband and spending a small stint in Jamaica in a sealed room undergoing brainwash therapy.

5- Everyone over 30 will have no wrinkles and very full lips as well as really good hair cuts.

6- Life will always be very stressful for everyone. There will be a lot of crying, hands to the forehead in despair and yelling going on. Doors may also be slammed a lot.

7- Everyone in the social circle will be rich. All women wear high heels and have to take off one of their earrings when talking on the phone.

8- Someone in the social circle is always in grave danger, usually being followed by someone with a gun. This could also involve them potentially getting run off the road or stuck down a big hole for days. If any of these happen, see #2.

9- Everyone in social circle likes/loves/lusts after someone they shouldn't. This creates endless possibilities for #3 and #6 above.

Well, if you need to know anything else about soap operas, I am not your girl. I am currently in the middle of a Dickens- inspired British mini-series. Ahh. That's more like it.

Sappy Husband Birthday Posts

Happy Birthday Brett. 42. I am not a big fan of sappy husband posts. I don't know why. I tend to say, "yeah, yeah, we know you love him. We get it, he's great, blah blah blah. Just tell him, you don't need to tell us." I'm going to try to do a b-day post about Brett without being too sappy. If I don't, some day when my family is so anxiously reading every word I've ever written (because I will be long gone, and they will be so interested in what my personality was, who I was, the woman behind the name on the genealogy chart...), then my family will not know how grateful I was to be married to Brett (the man behind the name next to my name on the genealogy chart..)

I was feeding Kate at 5:45 this morning and I was thinking about Brett as he was sleeping, and of what a good father he is. I thought about how his favorite thing to say right now is, "let me take the baby." As soon as he woke up at 6:30, he saw me holding Kate in my comfy chair and the first thing he said through a yawn and closed eyes was, "Here. Let me take the baby." Any time she starts fussing, it's "let me take her." Any time we go anywhere, he puts on my little baby sling (pink) and says, "I want to hold her." And he does. I won't be too sappy and tell you how that makes me feel.

This picture captures something so beautiful to me. How lucky are little children who come into the world with a pair of these hands to love, guide, bless them? These big, strong hands can also be so gentle and safe. This is Brett's favorite chair to hold her in early mornings when he is letting me sleep an extra hour. I won't be too sappy and say how seeing these hands makes me feel.

A half an hour later at breakfast. All older kids are rebelling a bit against 7 a.m. scripture study. They seem to still be getting ready, or not waking up early enough. Brett will just start reading out loud as if to remind everyone everywhere in the house --I am still doing it! You are missing it! I won't not do it, just because you aren't! Read, read, read...louder, louder, louder... Now Brett has Kate as a captive audience, regardless of who else is there. She's going to be pretty darn spiritual, I'm sure :) I won't be too sappy to tell you how it makes me feel every morning when I see and hear this..

So, dad, do I take that scripture literally or is it simply allegorical?

He sure loves her. I love him for loving her.

Thank you Brett for being so patient in all areas of your life and with me. I am so different than you in so many ways. We really are almost opposites. I still remember meeting you at BYU and going out with you on that first date. I remember thinking, who is this guy? He is so sure about life and where he is going. He makes everything seem so easy, even if it's hard. You and I still laugh at how your first impression of me was so wrong. You saw me taking notes in a Franklin Day Planner and thinking- wow that is a sharp girl. Little did you know that I bought that book because I was so not organized and after a week, I realized I hated it, hated having to write everything down and then remember to look at what I'd written down and then feel guilty if I didn't do it. Once I was with you, I knew that your Franklin Planner was MORE than enough for the both of us and I could be my little gypsy self again.

I remember you picking me up at my apartment at 5 a.m. in the winter mornings while you went to do your student government interviews and I would go into the Wilkinson Center lounge and practice the piano for 1-2 hours. No one there, just a dark room and a grand piano and knowing you were somewhere in the building doing your thing. I never would have done that without you getting me there.

I remember meeting your family on our first date. We were at the Homecoming Spectacular in the Marriott Center. You had to give the opening prayer (only at BYU, I know.) We met your parents and two of the cutest little brothers I had ever seen. They seemed to glow to me as I stared at their smiling faces. Your parents were in Provo to support you. I felt so at home with them from the beginning. You had a big extended family who was always together. I remember meeting Grandpa Blake, the epitome of a family patriarch.

I remember watching how much you thought about God and what He wanted you to do. Also, how you made room in your life to show Him how much you loved Him. I hadn't seen anyone do that before like you did. You made room for him..that's the best way to describe it and you still do. I am grateful that our kids see you do that.

Oh my, this is getting way sappy. Brett, I don't tell you enough that I love you. I am sure I take for granted the amazing things you do and the faithful, kind husband you are to me. You never criticize me. I am a words person and if you did, I would feel awful. On the contrary, I know that you think I'm pretty great, not because I am, but because you tell me you think I am. In order not to be sappy, I won't say how this all makes me feel:)

Ok. I'm done. No more. I just want our kids to know. I want you to know. Happy Birthday. e