DAD

I miss you dad. Walking into your bedroom tonight made me feel like a little girl all over again missing you. Your cowboy books on your desk, your closet organized so meticulously with your vests, your long sleeve button downs, your hats and boots. So many hats and boots. I saw your two rifles behind the door, the collection of haikus you wrote by your computer, and the art on your walls. You loved western art-- Cowboys and Indians. I smelled your big brown coat tonight just like I used to smell your shirts back then every visit. You were a businessman in California when I was a girl and you were the cowboy you always wanted to be to my kids.

As I drove through Wyoming today, through Lander, Riverton, Meeteetse, Cody, I looked at the land you loved so much. The plains of Wyoming seemed to wrap around me like a warm blanket. When I woke up from dozing off, Misty said, "Look behind us." There was the white 250 Ford you loved to drive for so long following us. We knew it wasn't really you, but it seemed like you put it there for us as if you were accompanying us somehow. That was a sweet moment.

I miss you. I've really missed you my whole life. Only because you were larger than life. You taught me to love music, art, storytelling, people. You knew everyone in this town. They all knew you and loved you. You hugged everyone. I am a hugger too. You knew everyone's stories and really cared about people; the lady at the grocery store, guy in the cafe, all friends of yours. You were so generous. I will never ever forget the feeling I had when you flew in one day before my high school graduation and bought me the white cabriolet. Brand new, all mine. Not only was it a guy magnet in college, (Brett teases he married me for the car), but selling that car after having Spence paid for us to get to Boston for grad school, and still had money to spare for that lovely used Volvo wagon. A step down in cool factor for sure, but a step up for our life.

My kids remember you sneaking them candy, little toys after I said no. They remember the Papa who shot guns with them off the back porch at the ranch, the go cart rides, horse rides, Mr. Creeps stories. They remember you telling them how great they were.

Thank you for staying a part of my life even with the complexities of divorce. I never doubted your love for me, ever. I should have been better at making sure you knew how much I loved you. Life got so busy sometimes. I am sorry.

We had a saying with each other. We said it to each other often. It was to remind us of the time when we realized that although you lived far away, that we had so much that was the same in us. I have felt that often through my adult life. The same was more than the different.

I hope you were wrapped in the arms of the Lord yesterday who I know you struggled so much to believe in. I know He understands you and your journey you have had on Earth. I know you are His just like I am yours. I know I will see you again.

Your oldest daughter,
Erin Noelle